Yeah, yeah. Anger, Part II. Trust me, it’s coming. It’s just been a crazy couple weeks of learning.
Today I realized I have been climbing a hill. A hill of me, made by me.
Say what?
Here’s what I mean. I had been working my way upwards to a climax of who I am to me as a person, a place where I felt like an “elite Christian” and, dare I say it, worthy of Christ’s name. Obviously, this is not the case.
I have one of those testimonies I don’t want anyone else to have. I have conquered years of daily insults, condemning, and failures (or thoughts thereof). There was a time in my life where I was deist – I believed God existed, but I believed He did not care and that I was on my own. There was even a short time before that I simply refused to believe God existed because of what I had gone through. I had been called ugly, worthless, stupid, a failure, and unwanted. I dealt with and am conquering depression as a result – a series of battles with my Biblical belief of self-worth and whether life is worth living. Thankfully, I never gave into self-infliction or suicide, although I considered them often. I came back to Christ.
So, when things went well, and I was actively serving God, and I felt I was a perfect example for Him, I felt accomplished. I made it to the Christian Nirvana. Then, when things didn’t go my way, obviously that wasn’t fair or right. I overcame all of that. I was doing my job right. I loved God.
I was victorious.
Wrong. Let’s rewrite this post. And here’s the reality of the situation. The parallel of what I thought was going on.
Today I realized I have been digging a grave. A grave of me, made by me.
Here’s what I mean. I had been working my way upwards to a climax of who I am to me as a person, a place where I felt like an “elite Christian” and, dare I say it, worthy of Christ’s name. Obviously, this is not the case.
I have one of those testimonies that I don’t want anyone else to have. Due to a series of horrible experiences, I deal with depression – a series of battles with God’s Biblical truths of self-worth and whether life is worth living. Thankfully, God saved me from my thoughts of self-infliction and suicide. He brought me back to Him.
So, when things went well, and I was actively serving God, and I felt I was a perfect example for Him, I felt accomplished. I fell into a trap of pride that I thought was the epitome of my Christian-hood. I needed a good slap of humility. When things didn’t go my way, like a child, I thought it wasn’t fair or right. I credited myself for everything I thought I’d overcome and thought it was my due to be rewarded. But what isn’t necessarily my way is His perfect way, and it is guaranteed to be amazing and blow my mind. I can only offer myself to His glory.
Everything I had gone through, everything that had been overcome – it was all Him. God brought me through, God overcame, God conquered, God remained, God loved, God was glorified. He decided I would be saved, and not for anything I did. That is incredibly humbling – I did nothing, He did everything, and He uses me to show His amazing power and love. Wow.
I can’t share my testimony to show my strength, because there is no strength of my own in that testimony. My testimony shows His strength.
I was broken. Christ is victorious.
