It was a beautiful day today with fleeting moments of deep melancholy.
This is fairly standard. If there was a term akin to generalized anxiety except for depression, I would have it. Not quite depressed enough that it’s traceable or affects my actions but a somewhat constant undercurrent that you notice when weary or uncomfortable or when a memory draws you back to its banks.
The current bubbles as you express happiness for someone else, making you acutely aware of the unhappiness you have for yourself. Yes, pride and envy are probably partly behind this, but knowing that, and fighting it, and the sadness remaining still, you realize this is something other. An unwelcome guest in the recesses of your mind, vying for your attention when met with a circumstance that challenges the reality it has established for itself.
It arises when you see the “ought” unmet in the world, in your day, in yourself, and you know you could do more, know more, be more to make that ought happen, but goodness, if you aren’t just so darn incompetent.
It rushes through when you see things that could have been fall apart and opportunities disappear.
I fight self loathing in nearly every quiet moment. It has become such a normal presence that I actually overlook it often. I became aware of how adjusted I’d become to it when someone said recently, without meaning to make the impact they did, “I think you’ve done plenty today.”
Not just enough. Plenty.
I felt embarrassed with myself when I began to feel tears well up upon hearing that unintentionally deeply-resonating sentiment.
So what is my hope?
It is this:
“For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.”Colossians 1:19-20
Every missed happiness: reconciled.
Every darkened thought: reconciled.
Every lost opportunity: reconciled.
Every shortcoming: reconciled.
Every fiber of my being and thread of my life: reconciled.
Christ lets not one thing go to waste in His atoning and redemptive work.
There is my present hope. And my future hope:
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”Revelation 21:4
In the new heavens and earth, there will be no missed happiness, no darkened thought, no lost opportunity, and no shortcoming. I will be made complete and free to simply rejoice in my Savior face to face. My Savior, who will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” You have done plenty. Well done. “Enter into the joy of your master.” (Matthew 25:23)
The fallen things here make the perfect things to come all the sweeter.